A Practical Application Of The Rules

This morning we overslept. Not just a few minutes, mind you. A lot. It’s never good when the first two words out of your mouth at the beginning of a new day are “Oh” and an expletive.

It takes me much less time to prepare for the day than it does My Lovely Bride. Call it one of the perks of being male. Throw on a pair of jeans and a shirt with a collar (polos work nicely, thankyouverymuch) and you’re ready to get things underway. Given that, it fell upon me to get Sparky and Skillet up and moving while My Lovely Bride got ready.

Our children rise in the morning rather like Dracula. Once they get a good look at the sun, all you get is hisses. Today was no exception. The only difference between today and a normal school day was that our oversleeping put them behind the 8-ball as well. This lead to an interesting combination … hissing and griping. While one sounded like a tractor tire with a slow leak, the other went on and on about how unfair it was that they had to be rushed because we overslept. I didn’t rise to the bait, mainly because he was right. It was unfair.

Rule #1 in our house: Life Isn’t Fair.

I listened to the hissing and griping, satisfied that as long as they were shoveling in the Frosted Flakes and Fruity Pebbles we were making forward progress. Then it was on to the bathroom with them to begin the second half of school prep while I made Skillet his lunch for the day.

As an aside, if I had a dollar for every PB&J I’ve made over the past 13 years, I could retire in the lap of luxury that most only dream of.

Now they’re both through the second half of school preparedness. Clothes are on, deodorant is applied, teeth are brushed, and faces are wiped. They have stood for inspection and I have declared them A-1, ready for combat.

My Lovely Bride is, as of yet, nowhere to be found.

“You mean we busted our butts to get ready as fast as we could and Mom isn’t ready yet?”

“Guys, it takes ladies longer to get ready than it does us men. It just does. Trust me, they don’t like it anymore than we do.”

“That’s uncool, Dad.”

Rule #2 in our house: When In Doubt, Refer To Rule #1.

About this time My Lovely Bride appears. She looks as beautiful as ever, but she looks both harried and hurried. She zips past us on the way to the kitchen to gather her lunch and get her morning cup of coffee to go.

Sparky starts to say something. I silence him with a look. I’m pleased to see that though he may be a teenager, I still have enough command of The Force to keep him quiet. He’s not yet wise enough to realize that anything he could come up with at this point would be the wrong thing to say.

Rule #3 in our house: If Mom’s Not Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy.

One of the benefits of telecommuting is that I am able to survive an oversleeping incident and still make it to work on time. My Lovely Bride, being a nurse, does not have that luxury. Backpacks are gathered, and everyone is out to the van. Busses were missed, and My Lovely Bride will be making school runs on her way to work.

As the van pulls out, I wave and go inside to get my day started. I spent pretty much the entire day out of the groove with work. It seemed like I was a step behind where I needed to be all day. Even with that, it’s nice to sit here at the end of the day and marvel that we were able to pull the morning off as well as we did.

But I sure wouldn’t want to have to do it like that all the time.

Rule #4 in our house: Never Make The Same Mistake Twice.

I’m going to bed. But not before double checking the alarm clock.

A Lot Has Happened In 23 Years

On August the 23rd, My Lovely Bride and I will celebrate our anniversary. As I lay in bed thinking about our time together a few nights ago, I started wondering what else has been around as long as our marriage. What all has happened since the day she became the other half of my heartbeat?

Well, about the time my fiancée was picking out her wedding dress, a small part of the computer division of Lucasfilm known as The Graphics Group was bought by Apple Computer co-founder Steve Jobs. The Graphics Group was known for creating computer-generated effects such as the Genesis Effect in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Lucas needed a bit of capital due to his impending divorce, and Jobs offered him $5 million for the little division.

After making the purchase, Jobs decided that ‘The Graphics Group’ was a pretty uninspiring label and subsequently changed the name of his newly acquired special effects company to Pixar Animation.

Let’s see. A little more investigation reveals that close to the time we decided to move the wedding up from October to August, Out Of Africa won the Oscar for Best Picture. 23 years later, many people are still wondering what, exactly, the members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences were sharing in that bong. It must’ve been something extraordinary.

On April the 13th, one year and two days before the first time we would file taxes using the classification “Married Filing Jointly”, Pope John Paul II became the first Pope to officially visit a synagogue. During the lunch press conference, the Pope was overheard saying that he, "Just couldn’t get a corned beef and swiss on an onion roll like this in Vatican City".

A few days later, a treaty was signed ending the Three Hundred and Thirty Five Years War between the Netherlands and Isles of Scilly off the coast of the United Kingdom. These people were at war from 1651 to 1986 without a single shot being fired. Tensions escalated with the invention of the telephone, when the Prime Minister of the Netherlands began calling the random numbers in the Isles of Scilly asking if they had Prince Albert in a can.

As my future wife was deciding on the menu for the reception, Geraldo Rivera was opening Al Capone’s vault. In both cases there was quite a build up for something I never had the opportunity to personally enjoy. Our wedding reception had food I wasn't allowed to eat and a cake I could only look at. At least Al Capone's vault had whiskey in it.

Hands Across America happened about the time I finally lined up a job after college. I offered to hold hands with My Lovely Future Bride that day, but she said it was bad luck to participate in trendy events to raise awareness of issues most people are already aware of in the first place before the wedding.

In October, just as My Lovely Bride and I were starting to get used to being around each other all the time, a show opened in Her Majesty’s Theatre in London. I am proud to say that the love of my life and I outlasted Phantom of the Opera.

Not long after that, Boston First Baseman Bill Buckner let a slow rolling ground ball hit by Mookie Wilson go straight through the wickets, costing the Red Sox Game 6 and keeping The Curse alive a little longer. The love of my life and I have not outlasted that play … Red Sox fans STILL hate Billy Buck.

Lastly, on December 23rd of the year we were married, a light aircraft named Voyager became the first to fly completely around the earth without refueling. For 9 days, Voyager never touched the ground.

That’s nothing. My feet haven’t touched the ground since August 23, 1986. And I’m not planning to come down any time soon.